"I saw your blog. It's practically dead."\n\nYou look down at the floor. You are not feeling Huge right now.\n\n"Look, you wanna raise money for your project, what's a couple more butts to kiss? Y.O.L.O."\n\n[[Y.O.L.O|PreButt]]\n[[Go Home|GoHome]]
"It's dark" you chirp. "But chill."\n\nYou can tell from the reverberation of your voice that this is a pretty big cave.\n\n[[Flick on your lighter|LairLight]]
The water taxi makes its way towards Raccoon Island. The taxi man speaks in trembling tone "There is a curse... of Raccoon Island" he says. \n\n[[Fuck the curse|Shore]]
Comments\n----\n''RacMeatBro81'' about 20 minutes ago\n//wow ur really into that meat huh. thats gay as hell. i bet u let pretty much any1 splorge on that meat. its all gross n rotty. wow. realy gross but hot//\n\n\n\nThe End.
You take the water taxi back to your apartment.\n\nYou unlock your door. "Shit." Your apartment is messed up by Raccoons. IKEA bookshelf all smashed, couch ripped up, trash can dumped all over the floor. "SPLORGE" is [[Graffiti'd|Graffiti]] on your living room wall.\n\nYour [[Macbook|EndingMacbook]] is on the kitchen table, open
<<display PrimeRaccoon>>
<html><img src="http://i.imgur.com/Ku6NA.png"/></html>\n[[Enter Brooklyn|Brooklyn]]
You look outside the window. "WOW." There are a whole bunch of Raccoons stomping all over your backyard. Some are digging through your trash. One Raccoon is disconnecting cables, risking electric shock. He doesn't care.\n\nYou step away from the window.\n\nCheck the [[Newspaper]]\n[[Enough of this shit|Backstory]]
//This Page Could Not Be Found.//\n\n"Fuck." Your internet isn't working. You close your macbook.\n\nLook out the [[Window]]\nCheck the [[Newspaper]]
htp:/Kickstarter.com/\n::: <<print $typeofkickstarter>> :::\n\nYou scan the front page of your Kickstarter campaign.\n\n:: $1,306 pledged out of $9,000 ::\nThere are only 3 days left in this campaign.\n\nYou look over the pitch video. You review the screenprint rewards. "I'll send out another update in a few minutes" you tell yourself.\n\n[[Refresh the page|Kickstarter]]\n<<set $refreshes = $refreshes + 1>>
htp:/Kickstarter.com/\n::: <<print $typeofkickstarter>> :::\n\n:: $12,450 pledged out of $9,000 ::\nThere are only 48 hours left in this campaign.\n\n//This Kickstarter has been successfully funded!//\n\n''Backers'' 1,103 / ''Comments'' [[1|Comments]]
<<set $appeal = true>><<display PrimeRaccoon>>
"You really like trash, huh?" the Raccoon King scratches his chin.\n\n[[Just Give Me A Sec|LipBalm]]\n<<set $digs = 100>>
"Hand me the meats" you say with a no-nonsense attitude. Bro Raccon scurries down the trash pile, meats firmly in his gullet.\n\nYou strip down to your naturals. You raise your arms up as the raccoon applies the sloppy meat to your skin. A bird wraps the twine around you, securing the meats.\n\nThe webcam is on and pointed at you.\n\n"Great. Now squat down and let these raccoons eat the meats off your body"\n\n[[Squat down|EatMeat]]
A video of you, naked, covered in gross meats while raccoons splorge over your body. That video is so dank, you think. So dank that it could go //viral.//\n\n[[Back|KissSpicy]]
<<if $appeal>>"Look, <html><a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/seth_godin_on_the_tribes_we_lead.html">we both lead tribes</a></html>. Why is there a conflict between our brands?"<<else>>"Raccoons are fucking up my kickstarter. There are only three days left, and I need to push out an update. Tell your critters to reconnect my router."<<endif>>\n\n<<if $appeal>>"I definitely connect with your brand" <<else>>"Chill."<<endif>> Bro Raccoon utters. He licks some peanut butter off of his inner thigh. "If you want the Raccoons to leave your turf, you have to talk to Raccoon King. He won't come out unless you complete a task.\n\n[[What task|Task]]
You check your phone real quick.\n\n''Brooklyn Trash King''\n@BkTrashking\n----\n''49,014'' TWEETS / ''201'' FOLLOWING / ''11,481'' FOLLOWERS\n----\n\nFrom a quick look at his followers, you can tell a lot are raccoons, some are bots, apparently there's a meat-splorging subculture, but there are definitely a bunch of NYC arts patrons.\n\n[[Sleep your iPhone|WhatsUp]]
<<if $refreshes lt 4>><<display KickText>><<else>><<display NoInternet>><<endif>>
"I need to send out that update or I'm fucked." you think. A tree branch crashes down in the backyard. You grab your keys and walk out of your apartment.\n\nYou hail a water taxi towards Raccoon Island, which is like Coney Island.\n\nGet on the [[Water Taxi|WaterTaxi]]\n<<set $big = false>>
You follow the cord around the corner, over a bush, and scramble up a bunch of rocks.\n\nThe rope leads you to a Brodart refrigerator... Brodart... that sounds familiar, you think. You open up the fridge.\n\nInside are two solo cups, one red and one blue. They each have messages written in sharpie:\n\nThe red cup says "Get Huge". [[Drink it|BigCup]]\nThe blue cup says "Get Smaller". [[Drink it|SmallCup]]
You lean in to kiss the first butt. The butt is remarkably furry & wild. Some butt hairs stick to your lips after smooching. You proceed to smooch the next two butts. The raccoons shiver a bit when they feel the hot air exhaled from your nose on their butt.\n\nThe Raccoon King closes his netbook. "Now my turn." He presents his butt. Wow. This butt is neatly shaved. It seems fresher than a normal raccoon butt. It has a few chunks of peanut butter on it, but otherwise immaculate.\n\n<<if $spicy>>[[Kiss the butt|KissSpicy]]<<else>>[[Kiss the butt|KissNormal]]<<endif>>
Made by [[Ben Esposito|http://twitter.com/torahhorse/]]\nEdited by Sarah Johnson\nThanks to Tom Astle, Yuliy Vigdorchik, Jacob Knipfing, Kyle Reimergartin
You are alone in your one bedroom apartment in Clinton Hill. Your macbook is closed.\n\n[[Open your macbook|Kickstarter]]\n<<display SetKickstarter>>
You spend the next few days lounging around the trash pile. By now you've forgotten about the Kickstarter.\n\n"More [[Get Huge|ItsPBR]] drink?" a raccoon asks in a butlery tone.\n\nYou nod. You take a few sips from the solo cup and glance over to the Raccoon King. He's splorging on some peanut butter. He stops for a moment "PB is like PBR for raccoons!"\n\nYou laugh out loud. You adjust the rotty meat steaks that are strapped to your chest.\n\nThe End.
<<display "Brooklyn Trash King">>
You get down on your stomach and do an army crawl into the hole. You are feeling ripped as hell.\n\nOn the ground are a bunch of rat skulls, trash, and muscle t-shirts.\n\n[[Muscle through|LairDark]]
Finally the tunnel opens up and there's nothing but [[Darkness]].\n\n[[Flick on your lighter|LairLight]]
Text Message\n----\n''Mom''\n//did your thing make it?//\n\nThe End.
The trash pile rumbles and shakes and various empty campbell's cans slide down the side towards your feet. A second, larger throne emerges from the trash pile with the Raccoon King lounging on top.\n\n"What up" says the Raccoon King.\n\nTell him [[What's up|WhatsUp]]\n
You sigh.\n\nBro Racoon reveals three rotting crimson meat steaks. He unwraps some twine from around his ankle.\n\n"You must become naked and tie these various gross meats to your body."\n\n[[Hell no|NoMeat]]\n[[Do it|YesMeat]]
Your lighter sparks on and reveals a dank cave. There is an impressive pile of trash in the center. It smells like crap.\n\nThere is a throne at the top of the trash pile made of corrugated metal. The Raccoon King is sitting on it and his face is smeared with peanut butter.\n\n"I'm not the Raccoon King." he says. "I'm his brother"\n\nSay something [[Dale Carnegie-ish|Appeal]] \nSay something very [[No Nonsense|NoNonsense]]\n<<set $appeal = false>>
"Wow fine"\n\nThe three raccoons that slurped your meat jump up on a printer, a wooden spool, and a FOXCONN box. They turn around, their butts presented to you.\n\nYou get ready to kiss, but your lips are super chapped. You reach into your pocket, but shit, you forgot your Burts Bees at home.\n\n[[Look for some lip balm in the trash|LipBalm]]\n<<set $digs = 0>>
You apply the Cherry Chapstick. The flavor is quite fresh.\n\n<<display Butts>>
<<set $refreshes = 0>>\n<<set $typeofkickstarter = "nothin">>\n<<set $n = Math.floor(Math.random() * 6)>>\n<<if $n eq 0>><<set $typeofkickstarter = "SteamCraft: The World's First Steampunk M.M.O.R.P.G.">><<endif>><<if $n eq 1>><<set $typeofkickstarter = "Vegan Minimalist Wallet Made From Upcycled Butcher Paper">><<endif>><<if $n eq 2>><<set $typeofkickstarter = "SmartJelly: A Wifi-Enabled LED Inside A Mason Jar">><<endif>><<if $n eq 3>><<set $typeofkickstarter = "A DIY Tissue Box Ukulele Kit">><<endif>><<if $n eq 4>><<set $typeofkickstarter = "Epic Sauce: Bacon Sriracha Hot Sauce">><<endif>><<if $n eq 5>><<set $typeofkickstarter = "Moebius Strip: A New Type of Minimalist Wallet">><<endif>>
You apply the Tiger Balm. There's a burn, but it's a healing burn.<<set $spicy = true>>\n<<display Butts>>
You arrive at a very steep rock wall. You probably could not climb it without serious gear.\n\nNear to the ground you see a small hole which is raccoon shaped. The hole is overgrown with weeds. It seems very dirty.\n\nA black rope is coming out of the hole, it snakes across the ground and around the corner. <<if $big>>//You are in such a good mood that you don't mind getting dirty.//\nYou can [[Enter the hole|Hole]]<<else>>You wouldn't want to crawl in that dirty hole.<<endif>>\n\nFollow the [[Black Rope|Fridge]]\nWalk back to the [[Shore]]
Some raccoons surface on top of the trash pile. They slink down the detritus. "Damn"\n\nThe raccoons start nibbling the meats like a [[Slow Loris|http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18-xvIjH8T4]]. Tongues slurp all over your pecs. \n\nThe last bit of steak is snatched off your body.\n\n[[Rip off the twine|King]]
You arrive at the shore of raccoon island. It is sandy, with scratchy shrub bushes. The beach is practically covered in trash. There is trash everywhere, including plastic 6 pack rings that are uncut. \n\nThere's a wooden crate nearby, and a rock wall up ahead.\n\nCheck out the [[Crate]]\nWalk up to the [[Rocks]]
"Your raccoons are fucking up my apartment, my Kickstarter, and my life." You're still naked. "Tell them to leave Brooklyn"\n\nThe King pulls out a netbook and opens the lid "I looked at your Kickstarter. It's def not gonna make it." Bro Raccoon nods. "But I have a //lot// of [[followers|TwitterProfile]]. I could retweet you."\n\nYou grit your teeth. "What do you want in return?"\n\n''"Kiss the butts of three normal raccoons, then kiss mine."''\n\n[[Hell no|WontKiss]]\n[[Take the offer|PreButt]]
<html><img src="http://i.imgur.com/fkW2E.png"/></html>\n
The New York Post\n----\nIt's October 5th, 2012. Critters are moving in - and they are literally [[altering people's lives|http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2012/10/05/frustrated-residents-raccoons-slowly-taking-over-new-york-city/]]. Internet is temporarily disabled in the Clinton Hill area.\n\nCheck the [[Window]]\n[[Enough of this shit|Backstory]]
<<if $daysleft gt 0>><<display KickText2>><<else>><<display KickstarterFailEnding>><<endif>>
You close your macbook. Your phone vibrates.\n\n[[Check your iPhone|iPhoneEnding]]
"Oh no, if people see that and they know about my Kickstarter they they will never fund it!" you fake concern.\n\n"Oh yeah, //AND// I'm going to link it to your Kickstarter!" He sniffs. "They'll never crowdfund you!" The Raccoon King swipes furiously at the netbook trackpad.\n\n"Done! Never mess with the Brooklyn Trash King!" He slams his netbook. "Kick him out of here!"\n\nA bunch of raccoons scurry over and lift you up. Before you can fight it, they [[toss you back out through the hole|ViralEnding]].
You pick yourself up off the sand and hail a water taxi. You take it back to your apartment and open up your macbook.\n\n"That gross meat video is blowing up!" you utter. You check your [[Kickstarter|KickstarterWin]]
It's definitely PBR.\n\n[[Back|StayHere]]
You take a sip of the blue cup which says "Get Small" on it. This drink tastes like milk with some ice cubes in it.\n\nYou start to feel sad and bad about your Kickstarter\n\nCheck the [[Fridge|Fridge]] again\nGo back to the [[Rock Wall|Rocks]]\n<<set $big = false>>
htp:/Kickstarter.com/\n::: <<print $typeofkickstarter>> :::\n<<set $money = ($money + $moneyadd)>><<set $daysleft = $daysleft - 1>>\n:: $<<print $money>> pledged out of $9,000 ::\nThere are <<if $daysleft lte 0>>0<<else>>only <<print $daysleft>><<endif>> days left in this campaign.\n\n<<if $daysleft lte 0>>//This campaign has not been successfully funded//<<endif>>\n\n[[Refresh the page|KickstarterFail]]\n<<set $moneyadd = Math.floor(Math.random() * 1000)>>
You need this.\n\n[[Back|NoMeat]]
"I'm super vegan" you say. "And I'm a grown ass man and [[I don't need this|NeedThis]]"\n\n"If you like living with Raccoons I can respect that." Bro raccoon rifles through some trash and excavates a logitech webcam. He slurps some PB off the roof of his mouth "But if you want them gone this is your last chance."\n\n[[Leave the cave|GoHome]]\n[[Fine|YesMeat]]
You walk over to the crate. It seems like an everyday normal crate. You lift up the lid. A bunch of flies disperse. "Gross." \n\nAt the bottom of the crate is a rotting steak, half chewed, shrinkwrap and styrofoam and all that.\n\n[[Close the lid|Shore]]
You bring your lips to the King's hairless butt. You smooch into the cheeks. There is a slight hissing sound, then the King lets out a big ''YELP''!\n\nThe tiger balm! He jolts away from you. You can see the burn marks from your super spicy kiss.\n\n"OW! You jerk!" He dips his hand into the peanut butter jar and rubs some on his butt. "No way I'm RT'ing a jerk like you! Instead I'm gonna post that [[naked gross meat video|MeatVideo]]!"\n\n[[Apologize]]\n[[Egg him on|EggOn]]
"Hell. No." you grumble. You brush off the meat drippings from your chest.\n\nYou make your way the cave entrance. "PEACE"\n\n"Wait!" the Raccoon King motions you back. "Have you ever really finished anything?"\n\nRaccoon King is making you feel like shit.\n\n[[I've been super busy|Busy]]
The King pulls out his netbook, keeping his butt held high to air it out. "So what's your twitter name?"\n\n"@torahhorse"\n\n"Okay I retweeted you. Are you sure you wanna go back to your apartment? You could stay here, we got wifi.."\n\n[[I would like that|StayHere]]\n[[Nah, I gotta get home|GoHome]]
You drink a sip of the red cup which says "Get Huge" on it. The drink tastes like pabst blue ribbon!\n\nInstantly your muscles feel stronger and better. Your confidence has increased a lot.\n\nCheck the [[Fridge]] again\nGo back to the [[Rock Wall|Rocks]]\n<<set $big = true>>
Street art.\n\n[[Back|GoHome]]
"Look sorry about your butt, I'm just addicted to this tiger balm stuff."\n\nRaccoon King sighs "It's k, to be frank I kinda liked it."\n\n<<display Retweet>>
<<if $digs eq 12>><<display DiggingALot>><<else>>You dig through the trash pile. There is a lot of useless crap in the trash pile, you're not sure where it all came from. Six feet of rubber tubing, paper clips, a chinese takeout menu.\n<<set $n = 5>><<set $rand = Math.random() * 6>>\n<<if $n lte $rand>>You found some [[Cherry Chapstick|CherryChapstick]]. There might be some other varieties though...<<set $n = 9999>><<endif>><<if $n lte $rand+1>>You found some [[Tiger Balm|TigerBalm]]! This stuff is spicy as hell<<set $n = 9999>><<endif>><<if $n lte 5>>//Nothing interesting shows up//<<endif>>\n[[Keep digging|LipBalm]]\n<<set $spicy = false>>\n<<set $digs = $digs + 1>>\n<<endif>>
There is a tab already open, it's pointed to deviantart. You dare not scroll down.\n\nClose it and open up [[Kickstarter|KickstarterFail]]\n<<set $daysleft = 4>>\n<<set $moneyadd = Math.floor(Math.random() * 1000)>>\n<<set $money = 1406>>
You bring your lips to the King's hairless butt. You smooch into the cheeks.\n\nThe Raccoon King squeals in delight. "Is that cherry flavor?" he asks. "Yep" you reply.\n\n<<display Retweet>>